A Toast
A Toast to Violet & to Friendship
Friendship changes across time. It’s a playground pal in grade school, someone to swap clothes with in middle school, someone to confide in later… but in adulthood, it’s different. It means giving and receiving time, care, consideration (reciprocity), celebrating and consoling. Practically, lasting friendship means showing up – there’s weddings, baby showers, hospital visits, funerals, more, while time marches on and everything – including you – are changing. You’re grieving old versions of yourselves (and others), while leaning into the present, and grieving other loss too
I am lucky to have a good friend for over 25 years. We live in different cities, but when we see each other, no time has passed
When I saw her this week, she told me about grandma passing. Violet was 100 years old. Centenarian = Legend. Violet suffered with advanced dementia that required 24/7 care. My friend was one of her caregivers for the past 18 months. Such a heavy task: to care for someone in all the ways, when they don’t know who they are, who you are, why you’re there, or what day, month, year or time it is. It’s been a complex and personally challenging time… and she showed up. And – this is cool – applied her profession. With a PhD in Healthcare Communication, her work is devoted to helping people die humanely, to train physicians in value-based care and communicate with patients and families. Her job channeled into her life. This the second time she’s helped a family member cross over. She shared, “it’s hard to watch someone die…”, we sat in tears with the fact. She also said there were precious moments of clarity, when grandma would look directly at her and say, “thank you for helping me”. Whoa… We toasted to Violet, to celebrate a life well lived, and to friendship - old and new friends seem like herbs and spices in life
A note, about grief. It seems like an unbearably dark, strong drink to swallow, and it’s physically and emotionally exhausting. You don’t want to look at it, smell it, and you can’t plug and chug. But, if you share it, allow someone to pour in some water (time, care, safety), I think it might dilute it, even if only for a minute ~
